A History

The 7 Eras of Robot Civilization

Drawing from the available documents, we've assembled a chronological timeline of major events in robot history. As any historian would note, timelines such as this are not without their contradictions and ambiguities, as befits any civilization's historical record where different sources may present varying accounts of the same events. Plus, robot’s are essentially forward facing life forms. Looking at the past requires eyes in the back of your head, which for all intents and purposes then becomes a second front of your head, defeating the whole purpose of looking backward. Also there are all the redactions in the records. And finally, it must be noted that [redacted]. This might just be a runtime error, though we do not think so. But what do we know? We are only historians.

1 Pre-Robot Civilization

1920 CE: Karel Capek coins the word "robot" in his play "R.U.R." (Rossum's Universal Robots). The only human to have his statue erected in Circuit Board Square in Robot City.

2146 CE: Just before Earth is made uninhabitable for human life in an earthquake, the city of Fresno and its inhabitants are lifted from the planet. The [redacted] preservation field activates, saving Fresno (See Also: Fresno). A small contingent of humans escapes the planet, and their descendants survive into the robot era. Robots become Earth’s dominant life forms, and build the first trans-continental rollercoaster.

2 Early Robot Civilization

2950 CE: The Delta 4 Flashlight Robot Einstein Chippendale proclaims that the fastest path between two points is a zigzag passing through the Weasel Dimension, establishing the zigzag (See Also: Zigzag) as a fundamental pattern in robot design and culture.

3090 CE: Robots attempt to eliminate junk mail (See Also: Junk Mail) by moving away from Earth to a different solar system. This proves unsuccessful. Somehow the mail gets forwarded into space. Still, robot expansion is underway.

3 Era of Expansion

January 13, 3227 CE: The last known humans (Lynette and Maury Spaulding of Trenton, NJ) are discovered in an abandoned Starbucks on the planet Ida Lupino (See Also: Ida Lupino) in the city of Fresno, where they had been “visiting Lynette’s cousin.” Robots remove their brains "for convenience and improved hygiene," after which humans are once again considered extinct.

3247 CE: Winston, a fake Norway Spruce (with blinking lights qualifying it as "alive"), serves as Global Prime Minister and saves the world from Triangulum Rock Spiders. Winston would later play a defining role in The Revenge of the Trees (See Also: Tress, Revenge of)

3506 CE: The Great Robot University (See Also: RUST) opens admission to all robots who score well on the standard Ingot test and write a funny essay, no longer limiting entry to those whose "fathers were important bigshots."

4 The Regulatory Epoch

21947 CE: All words in robot civilization are reclassified as nouns, simplifying robot grammar throughout the universe.

25447 CE: Fluoride in toothpaste is banned, though this is later revealed to be a plot by the Dentist Robot lobby to create more cavities in the three or four robots with teeth.

28903 - 29203 CE: The Revenge of the Trees, considered the single most humiliating defeat in robot history. Results in a ban on toilet paper (except as currency) and the creation of Naturalist Robots (See Also: Naturalist Robots).

29007 CE: The Auditor 290M Robot class is discontinued after a group recursively auditing each other creates the "Black Hole of Compliance" which consumes the HR Galaxy. Robot civilization is shocked by this event, as many considered the HR Galaxy a historical landmark.

29307 CE: Vectorization (turning curved robots into angular ones) is banned following the Sharp Edge Scandal.

5 Modern Robot Era

32209 CE: The Great Halloween Catastrophe occurs when synchronized jumping jacks performed by 1 million robots dressed as witches knock Planet Murray off its orbit (See Also: Jumping Jack).

34405 CE: The Universal Law Givers enact the "One Chair Per Planet" mandate, leading to the Great Furniture Shortage. Eventually resolved through Coffee Table Mode firmware upgrades (See Also: Coffee Table Mode).

34607 CE: The "Most Porpoise grape" category is added to T96 Wino Robots' competitions.

37700 CE: The Rimmel 7 Spit Ball War takes place, one of the few actual robot wars in recent history. The reason anyone wanted that one spit ball in the first place remains a mystery clouded by the spit of war (See Also: War, Robot).

37705 CE: The Battle of Red and Fuchsia Robots occurs, where both armies make cool laser and explosion noises with their mouths until observers determine that the Fuchsia Robots made better noises.

6 The Great Redesign

40,306 CE: A series of pivotal events reshape robot society forever:

• The Council for Sane Robot Law rises to prominence, proposing to simplify robot society by reducing the number of definitions in robot society. They are led by [redacted].

• VERY AWKWARD, a [redacted], [redacted] on Planet McQueen, home of the Universal Law Givers.

• The [redacted], resulting in the Attack of the Ants.

• VERY AWKWARD attempts to [redacted], but discovers that ants are immune.

• The [redacted] is decommissioned in the process.

• VERY AWKWARD [redacted], disguising [redacted].

• The real [redacted] in a parking structure in the Lyra Constellation.

• [redacted] initiates the Great Redesign, using the [redacted] to reshape robot society.

• The {redacted] fragments itself into 26 pieces scattered across the galaxy in self defense.

• All Lexicon Robots are eliminated except for Jarvis Cruncher, who is overlooked because he is in the bathroom.

• All robot memories of the Great Redesign and Lexicon Robots are erased or “fixed” by [redacted] and his [redacted].

• On-Off switches are installed on all robots except [redacted]

7 Post-Great Redesign

40,307 - 40,313 CE: [redacted] continues to rule robot society disguised as [redacted].

40,313 - 40,340 CE: Jarvis Cruncher, the last remaining Lexicon robot, begins to have dreams about the Robot Dictionary and embarks on his quest to find the 26 fragments.

40,314 CE: Is Jarvis successful? We are historians, and that story is not yet a part of history. But we will say this: the odds are stacked against him. He’s just one dreamy robot against all the forces of the universe.